Attraction: Past, Present, and Future

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Attraction: Past, Present, and Future
Attraction: Past, Present, and Future
Past:
The typical description of the girl I would fall for during my College days follows. I’ve also included the reasons why I thought those particular attributes were attractive. I was a different person back then and was attracted to different traits in girls. It wasn’t until much later; after much heartache did I realize the error of what I was looking for. Here, I’ll share the general characteristics of girls I usually went for.
<!-Flirty & Outgoing – This was the foremost and most important trait that a girl had to have before I really went out with her. The reason was that I was a pretty shy guy growing up and I never made the first move (sadly). She would usually be the one that really talked to me first and then I would become attracted to her. I liked how easy things flowed when she made the first move. In general, shy guys will always say that it’s attractive when a girl approaches them which takes all the pressure off the guy and put it on the girl. I did not know much about dating back then and this was my main way of finding girls that I would date. I liked when a girl was really flirty and outgoing just because of the attention and in the beginning, it felt great.
<!-Cute & Attractive – I was much, much pickier about the types of girls that I would go out with back then compared to now. The funny thing was that the pickier I was then the less I had to choose from which was sparse to begin with. I had a certain idea about the physical looks of a girl and would decide whether or not she fit my standards. I was pretty judgmental about other people’s looks back then and I felt that physical attraction was very important in addition to other traits as well.
<!-Asian – The majority of the girls I was attracted to during my college days were typically Asian. I felt more comfortable about dating an Asian girl. The groups of people that I interacted with were generally Vietnamese and Asian, so the majority of girls that I dated were Asian as well. I didn’t have anything against any other race. Most of my interactions were within a comfort zone and the majority of my time was hanging out with similar groups so that would explain most of it. However, I felt that I was more attracted to Asian girls as well. When I walked into a room, I would always look for people similar to myself, Asian.
<!-Catholic – Back then, I was born and raised within a conservative Vietnamese Catholic upbringing and faith was a big deal to me much more then than now. I did not have much interaction with those outside my comfort zone so I always felt more at ease when I went out with a girl who share the same “values” as I did. Also, I thought religion had a way of screening the good from the bad. I had much to learn but those were my preferences back then.
·         Intelligent – Intelligence has always been an attractive feature to me from then up until now. And intelligence will continue to attract me to certain types of girls. I was mainly focused on school back then so I put a much more strict idea of what intelligence meant.
·         Talkative – Since I was so shy for the greater part of my life, I liked more to listen than to talk. I didn’t feel that attracted to girls that didn’t talk much because I felt that the conversations would be boring since we both didn’t really talk that much. Thusly, I felt more attracted to girls that would talk much more than I did. Well, assuming they also didn’t talk too much as well.
·         Physical touch – If you’ve ever read “The 5 Love Languages” then you know that one of the love languages is Physical Touch. In the book, there are 5 love languages that people generally learn to speak more “fluently” than others. In other words, everyone has a particular way that they express their love more easily than others. Conversely, the same goes for which love language they respond to easily as well (For more information, please read the book!). My love language was physical touch and when a girl would flirt by touching my arm or we’d hug, I felt so much more attracted to them. At the time, I really understand why this would happen until much later but this was a major point in why I fell for certain types of girls rather than others. This ultimately was a downfall for me but I learned much from my mistakes.
Present:
                What are the qualities that I look for a girl nowadays? There are many ideals but at the same time, I don’t think of them as a checklist that they must have and certain qualities have much higher emphasis than others such as honesty, communication, and ethics. These are the list of qualities as well as the reasoning behind them. As I’ve grown and become more mature, so have the lists of qualities that I find attractive in a woman. At the same time, I hope to learn more and more and maybe the list will reflect that as well.
·         Selfish Vs Unselfish – Selfishness is definitely a big turn-off for me because of a variety of reasons. I feel that the trait is plainly incompatible with my personality because I’ve always thought of myself as being giving and charitable as much as possible. When a person can only think of themselves even at the expense of others then that really digs underneath my skin. There are certain amounts of selfishness that is expected and healthy but at the same time, too much is just plain ugly to me.

·         Honesty & Integrity Vs Dishonesty – I don’t believe there are many relationships that can last very long without honest and trust. The ability to trust lies dependently on the other person’s integrity. These two traits are synonymous and underlie the very foundation of a strong relationship. Are there surefire ways of finding a way to test how honest or trustworthy a person is? This can only be accurately assessed through the hardest test of all, time. Only time will tell how trustworthy or honest a person is. To me, these qualities are incredibly important and no other qualities can make up for a lack of these characteristics.

·         Down to earth Vs Nose to the Sky – I feel that a person who is down to earth is infinitely times more attractive when compared with someone who thinks they’re better than others. I feel that humility is a very attractive because this shows that they don’t take themselves or life too seriously. I would rather have someone who knows what really matters in life and would weather life through rain or shine. The opposite would be a person who’s only there for the good times and takes the next train at the first whiff of hard times. A person who thinks they’re better than everyone else isn’t very fun to be around especially if I’m going to be married to them.

·         Physically Attractive to me Vs Not – I feel that physical attractiveness is a rather sticky subject to approach. I think I’ve given looks a much less emphasis as I grow older than when I was younger. I feel that the old adage remains true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I’ve found that I don’t need an incredibly physically beautiful woman if other more important qualities are lacking. I try to not be too judgmental about others looks but a certain degree of vanity still remains. So I’ve been able to come up with a compromise. I will most certainly want whoever I’m dating to be physically attractive at the very least to me. To put succinctly, I say that I’ll go for a girl as long as she’s cute which can vary very much. This leaves me with much room to work with without being too, too picky and vanity kicking over.

·         Intelligence & Depth Vs Shallowness – First off, I would like to say that I don’t really think that certain people are dumb or stupid. I think we’re all intelligent in our own way and we all don’t learn the same way. Some of us are street smart whereas others are more book smarts. When I’m talking about intelligent and smart, I’m not focused on IQ level or SAT’s or anything similar to those quantifiable. However, I’m looking for depth and the ability to talk about different subject matters. Another way of thinking about it is being able to think critically and communicate about it. The way I relate to it is there are certain times in a date where the conversation can only extend to the outer fringes but nowhere beyond. I feel like I want to be able to talk about many different subjects rather than be limited to a select few. I don’t expect anything too extravagant but the ability to hold a conversation and intellect to think for herself. Common sense would be another way of thinking about the quality.

·         Open Vs Close Minded – Having an open mind is attractive to me because it shows that a girl can think outside of comfort zone and is willing to learn and change. Being close minded shows a reluctance to accept new ideas or even listen to them and I feel that I’m very much a liberal thinker. I think that this trait shows more than just the overall appearance. I feel that there is healthy balance between believing in what you truly believe in but at the same time, be willing to listen to new ideas and admit mistakes when you’re wrong. In my mind, being able to think from another person’s perspective, empathy, is a great attribute and necessarily to relate to different types of people rather than just your own perspective.

·         Spiritual Vs Religious – Whether a person believes in a certain religion or shares my own really doesn’t matter much to me. That probably stems from the fact that I don’t really believe any kind of formal religion right now so I don’t put much emphasis on faith. Although religion may not be important to me, spirituality is. Spirituality is important to me because I feel that spirituality transcends any particular religion and despite whatever your particular religion or beliefs, you can still have a strong spiritual life within that religion. To sum it up, how a person really lives their spirituality is much more important than their particular beliefs.

·         Independence Vs Dependence – There has been a surge in hip hop and rap community to really emphasis an “independent” woman and I think that has influenced how I view attraction. I think the extreme of an independent woman is the gold digger. On the other side, there have been opinions on what independent really means and can this also have an extreme as well? I feel that an independent woman is more attractive because this trait also includes a variety of different other positive attributes as well. Unless your achievements are based on your own skills, abilities, and hard work, then you cannot successfully build self esteem. This is because you’ve done these things yourself and are your own. Opposed to a woman that may have all the material rewards, these exterior rewards don’t represent success but rather just a symbol. An independent woman knows she can take care of her own self without anyone else’s help whereas a dependent woman is just that. Independence is very liberating whereas unhealthy dependence can only deplete self esteem.

·         Insecurity Vs Self Esteem & Confidence – Insecurity is a huge turn off to me because a person without self esteem and confidence within themselves cannot really form lasting, healthy relationships. I am the first to admit that I may not always have super confidence in myself but I’ve always strived to improve both. I feel that insecurities and issues related to them must be handled on a personal level rather than trying to solve them within a relationship. Insecurity leads to a myriad of relationship problems and is ultimately very unattractive. The opposite is confidence in herself and being comfortable in her skin. I feel that women with confidence are infinitely more attractive because she’s sure of herself and exudes a different aura.

·         Sense of Humor Vs Not – Having a sense of humor is very important and very attractive trait because what is life without laughter? I feel that having a sense of humor can make the lows not seem so low while making life much more enjoyable. I cannot give a really good reason why having a sense of humor is really that attractive but there is something intoxicating and naturally alluring about people in general that have great senses of humor. Being able to laugh also shows that you’re not taking life too seriously. Opposed to a person who takes everything too seriously shows that they cannot really enjoy the smaller enjoyments in life and be happy with just that.

·         Hardworking Vs Lazy – This generally isn’t listed in the traits I would like to see in a girl. At the same time, as I mature and grow older then this trait becomes so much more important. I can say that anyone who has incredible god given talents, looks, smarts, or whatever doesn’t make them the ideal mate. I feel that you shouldn’t be proud of what you’ve been given at birth. Rather, you should be proud of what you’re able to achieve through your own hard work and achievements. If a person has a strong work ethic, I feel that’s a much better judge of a person’s character rather than looking at just the exterior.

·         Balance Vs Lack thereof – Being able to balance a person’s life is very important to me because this trait shows maturity as well as the ability to live a balanced and healthy life. Lack of balance is really unhealthy because this shows an inability to sort out what is really important in life from what is not important. Unless a person really has balance in their life, they will be constantly juggling different parts of their lives without a healthy resolution. I feel that having a healthy balance of family, work, friends, hobbies, spirituality, exercise, etc are all ingredients to a happy life as well as having a healthy and happy relationship as well.

·         Passion in Life Vs None – I feel that I’ve saved the best for last. Passion in life and what life has to offer are very attractive. When a person is passionate about their life, this translates into having a much more meaningful and happy life. Without passion in life then life just becomes dull and without the excitement. What is the point in living life unless there is something that you’re passionate about in life? Without passions life, you’re just happy with cruising through life rather than making the most of what life has to offer. Passion shows a willingness to live life to the fullest and making the most of the time that we have on earth. The quality of life is much more important the quantity of life that you’ve lived. It is better to live 30 years filled with passion, meaning, and happiness than 100 years without.
I feel that most of the attributes and traits I’ve listed are not completely out of touch with reality. I feel that most of these traits are achievable in the general population but at the same time, I think they’re collectively important in the long run. I’ve purposely left out more superficial traits that are too limiting and ultimately, not all that important. As, I’ve grown and matured, so have the ideal traits I would like to see in potentials for an ideal spouse. I’ve chosen qualities that I feel are within reach as well as traits I strive for in my own life. I may not be super duper attractive to all women but to some people, I am. At the same time, I’ve always strived and continue to strive to become better. I try to not be a hypocrite and expect more from other people than I would expect for myself. The qualities above are traits I hope to possess if not now then sometime in the near future which is to say that I’m not a perfect by any mean. In the same way, I don’t expect my future spouse to hold to perfection but exemplify many of the positive traits. I feel that I’ve met many people that have these traits and feel they are important to a healthy, long lasting relationship.
As you can see, I feel more attracted to a person’s character rather than other more superficial traits. Someone might hold the exterior characteristics such as looks, smarts, or whatever but unless you can look deep into their character, then I feel you really don’t know them that well. These characteristics are there whether rain or shine and don’t sway or change 10 or 50 years from now. Whereas looks may eventually fade or other characteristics, I feel I want to love them for who they are opposed to what she has today.
Future:
                So what does the future hold for me? Will I continue to be attracted to the same characteristics or will they evolve and change as well? Maybe when I do eventually settle down, I’ll look back at all the requirements I’ve had and see which ones were really important and which ones didn’t really matter all that much at all. If anything, I think that which traits you’re attracted to really tell a lot about you as a person. I will be reflecting much more about what the qualities I was looking for really reflected me on the inside and my own issues and insecurities. Much more reflections on attraction will be in the ‘follow up’ to this chapter. :)
- 3:53 PM
- 4 Views
- 0 eProps
- 0 Comments