Monday, 06 April 2009

• Push VS Pull: My Experience

  Push VS Pull: My Experience

  Pull Handicap: Not that guy

  Throughout my life, I never really learned much about dating neither through family nor friends. I just went through life not knowing much about dating, and for the most part, it didn’t affect me very much. It wasn’t until college that I started getting into dating and had my first experiences. The mentality I had back then was very different from mine today. Back then, I didn’t really try to think about dating much. As with most typical shy Asian guys, I just focused on my studies and other activities. Even though I may have thought about girls and dating a lot, most of this was just plain daydreaming of the what-if scenarios. What if I was able to get with the girl I had a crush on.

  At an early age, there was definitely someone I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to become That Guy even if it meant I wouldn’t be dating. That Guy is my definition of the guy I didn’t want to become or the person I didn’t want others to see me as. He’s basically the guy that tries too hard to flirt with every girl that he sees and usually ended up being rejected. He’s usually trying hard to flirt with every girl out there at every chance that he got. To me, he represented a person that only had one thing on his mind and pursued it like girls were everything. In my mind, I never wanted to stoop to that level despite whatever the consequences that meant. I just knew I did not want to take that route of seeming desperation. I would consider that desperation the extreme of one end of my perception of dating strategies. In order to stay as far away from that extreme, I took the other extreme. I plainly acted like I didn’t really care about dating or girls on the outside; when on the inside, I really did want to but didn’t know how. Despite what I pretended to do on the outside, there are aspects of love that you cannot avoid despite how hard you try. Nevertheless, not becoming that guy became a priority to me. The more I saw of guys trying too hard or becoming too desperate, the more I got turned off from that strategy.

  What ended up being my strategy was having the girl come to me rather than the other way around. As a general rule, the strategy worked to an extent but the majority of girls that were attracted to me, I didn’t really feel attracted to. I was also very picky about the types of girls I liked or didn’t like and if she didn’t fit the criteria then I wouldn’t go out with her or flatly tried to stay away. Although Pull Attraction did lead to some dates, I was way over my head though out my dating experiences. I always felt confused and didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Sure, they were great experiences but I didn’t feel very satisfied nor did I feel I really learned anything.

  Results of Pull: Much Confusion

                  I would say that the results from Pull Attraction were pretty good considering who I was at the time. Rightfully, it could have easily been the case that I never dated one girl because of my own shyness and handicap of unknowingly using Pull Attraction.

                  Despite the fact that I was able to date much more than I rightfully deserved, I still wasn’t satisfied. The results seemed to stem more from chance than any other factor. I would go along with whatever road life took me and if I fell in love with a girl along the way then so be it. Even when I was dating, this didn’t mean that I totally understand how dating worked. I remember that most of the time I was just as confused as I was before I started dating. The dating world seemed like there was a secret book that everyone knew about except for me.

                  For example, there were plenty of times when I would be really confused about my own feelings as well as what I was supposed to do next. Should I call her and talk things out or should I just keep silent and let the problems gloss over and hope they would go away? I didn’t understand any substantial part of dating and the whole process was mind-boggling and utterly confusing. At the same time, I never had anyone to really talk to about dating. When I did have a chance to talk to someone, it seemed like they knew the answers but couldn’t give me a sufficient why it was that way. To say the least, I tried to enjoy the dating that I did have but the path was not as easy for me.

  Roots of Change

                  Pui, a friend of mine, recently asked “What made you change?” We were discussing about the difference in our dating philosophies. I was sharing with him my experiences in dating and how it came about. At first the question caught me off guard because I didn’t have an immediate answer. Once I thought on the question more, I was able to find the answer deep within me.

  <!--[if !supportLists]-->1)      <!--[endif]-->I wanted to change; I wanted to learn

  There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted to change. I recently graduated from college, and I decided to move to another part of the country, California. At the same time, I just stepped out of a very difficult stage of my life, and I was ready to experience new things. I didn’t want to be the same ol’ Henry again. At the same time, I wanted to learn. For most of my life, I never understood dating and I had always felt that I was a pawn in game of love rather than an active participant. I felt more like a wide-eyed deer staring at growing lights in the middle of the road. The desire to change was there and I definitely had the opportunity to change and the motivation to back it up.

  <!--[if !supportLists]-->2)      <!--[endif]-->Reading “How to get a date worth keeping”

  Another major catalyst that made me change my whole perspective on dating was definitely the book “How to get a date worth keeping” by Henry Cloud. While reading the book, a lot of the ideas really clicked with me and changed my whole perspective on dating. I’ve read plenty of different dating books in my day ranging from the Pick-Up Artists like “Double Your Dating” by David DeAngelo, Dating for Dummies, and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. However, they never really clicked with me nor really changed how I viewed dating. “How to get a date worth keeping” was a totally different way of thinking and approaching dating which I found refreshing and focused more on the learning process and experience than the actual results. I felt that many of the ideas and philosophy in the book were very thought provoking as well as very true.

   

  Pushing My Limits: Experimenting in California

                  Stepping out of my comfort zone was definitely a hard experience but no doubt very rewarding. There is a saying in Full Metal Alchemist that goes “in order to gain, you must sacrifice something of equal value.” Simply put; no pain, no gain. As my personality goes, I consider myself an introvert and for the longest time, not very social at all. I could spend much of my time just sitting around reading a book and still enjoy myself. I would say that talking to an attractive girl that I didn’t know would be my kryptonite. I had to push myself to talk to girls I never would have talked to. In addition, I had to change my mentality about the so called types of girls that I felt attracted to and would go out with.

                  The entire process of change was definitely not easy and it is called a comfort zone for a reason. So stepping out of that comfort zone would by definition, uncomfortable. I’m not the type of person to entirely jump into the deep end of the pool so I had to start small. This is where I used the “Point System” to really get the gears going. Instead of focusing on the actual risk of rejection and fears, I would concentrate on the reward instead. This helped me to talk to people I normally wouldn’t talk to and in turn, I was able to change little by little. I also became more open about my dating experiences with other people as well which for the longest time, I never really talked with anyone else.

                  Another important aspect was I treated dating differently as well. There are cases when if I don’t feel initially attracted to a girl, I would never go out with her. With my changed philosophy, I felt very reluctant to do so because I felt that I would be wasting my own time and I would be letting her on. As the book “How to get a date worth keeping” says, you never know until you try. Going along with the books advice as well as my brother’s “I wouldn’t do it, but I think you should”, I jumped in and lo and behold, the experience didn’t kill me. The actual date was alright and confirmed what I believed all along. Little did I know that the date would actually be the catalyst to a long journey of great dating experiences.

                  All in all, I did pursue girls more and I did try using Push Attraction more than I had in the past. I felt the results were great most of the time. I’m not going to lie and say that I got dates left and right which is blatantly a lie. I was rejected many more times than I would care to admit but at the same time, I felt that I grew so much from the experience. Part of dating is not just finding “the one” or whatever but actually learning more about myself and learning more about others. I felt that stepping out of my shell and comfort zone really changed me for the better. I was able to make mistakes and ultimately learn from them as well. If I didn’t step out of my comfort zone then I never would have even risked anything or learn anything.

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