Past:

The typical description of the girl I would fall for during my College days follows. I’ve also included the reasons why I thought those particular attributes were attractive. I was a different person back then and was attracted to different traits in girls. It wasn’t until much later; after much heartache did I realize the error of what I was looking for. Here, I’ll share the general characteristics of girls I usually went for.

<!-Flirty & Outgoing – This was the foremost and most important trait that a girl had to have before I really went out with her. The reason was that I was a pretty shy guy growing up and I never made the first move (sadly). She would usually be the one that really talked to me first and then I would become attracted to her. I liked how easy things flowed when she made the first move. In general, shy guys will always say that it’s attractive when a girl approaches them which takes all the pressure off the guy and put it on the girl. I did not know much about dating back then and this was my main way of finding girls that I would date. I liked when a girl was really flirty and outgoing just because of the attention and in the beginning, it felt great. 

<!-Cute & Attractive – I was much, much pickier about the types of girls that I would go out with back then compared to now. The funny thing was that the pickier I was then the less I had to choose from which was sparse to begin with. I had a certain idea about the physical looks of a girl and would decide whether or not she fit my standards. I was pretty judgmental about other people’s looks back then and I felt that physical attraction was very important in addition to other traits as well.

<!-Asian – The majority of the girls I was attracted to during my college days were typically Asian. I felt more comfortable about dating an Asian girl. The groups of people that I interacted with were generally Vietnamese and Asian, so the majority of girls that I dated were Asian as well. I didn’t have anything against any other race. Most of my interactions were within a comfort zone and the majority of my time was hanging out with similar groups so that would explain most of it. However, I felt that I was more attracted to Asian girls as well. When I walked into a room, I would always look for people similar to myself, Asian.

<!-Catholic – Back then, I was born and raised within a conservative Vietnamese Catholic upbringing and faith was a big deal to me much more then than now. I did not have much interaction with those outside my comfort zone so I always felt more at ease when I went out with a girl who share the same “values” as I did. Also, I thought religion had a way of screening the good from the bad. I had much to learn but those were my preferences back then.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Intelligent – Intelligence has always been an attractive feature to me from then up until now. And intelligence will continue to attract me to certain types of girls. I was mainly focused on school back then so I put a much more strict idea of what intelligence meant.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Talkative – Since I was so shy for the greater part of my life, I liked more to listen than to talk. I didn’t feel that attracted to girls that didn’t talk much because I felt that the conversations would be boring since we both didn’t really talk that much. Thusly, I felt more attracted to girls that would talk much more than I did. Well, assuming they also didn’t talk too much as well.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Physical touch – If you’ve ever read “The 5 Love Languages” then you know that one of the love languages is Physical Touch. In the book, there are 5 love languages that people generally learn to speak more “fluently” than others. In other words, everyone has a particular way that they express their love more easily than others. Conversely, the same goes for which love language they respond to easily as well (For more information, please read the book!). My love language was physical touch and when a girl would flirt by touching my arm or we’d hug, I felt so much more attracted to them. At the time, I really understand why this would happen until much later but this was a major point in why I fell for certain types of girls rather than others. This ultimately was a downfall for me but I learned much from my mistakes.  

Present:

                What are the qualities that I look for a girl nowadays? There are many ideals but at the same time, I don’t think of them as a checklist that they must have and certain qualities have much higher emphasis than others such as honesty, communication, and ethics. These are the list of qualities as well as the reasoning behind them. As I’ve grown and become more mature, so have the lists of qualities that I find attractive in a woman. At the same time, I hope to learn more and more and maybe the list will reflect that as well.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Selfish Vs Unselfish – Selfishness is definitely a big turn-off for me because of a variety of reasons. I feel that the trait is plainly incompatible with my personality because I’ve always thought of myself as being giving and charitable as much as possible. When a person can only think of themselves even at the expense of others then that really digs underneath my skin. There are certain amounts of selfishness that is expected and healthy but at the same time, too much is just plain ugly to me.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Honesty & Integrity Vs Dishonesty – I don’t believe there are many relationships that can last very long without honest and trust. The ability to trust lies dependently on the other person’s integrity. These two traits are synonymous and underlie the very foundation of a strong relationship. Are there surefire ways of finding a way to test how honest or trustworthy a person is? This can only be accurately assessed through the hardest test of all, time. Only time will tell how trustworthy or honest a person is. To me, these qualities are incredibly important and no other qualities can make up for a lack of these characteristics.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Down to earth Vs Nose to the Sky – I feel that a person who is down to earth is infinitely times more attractive when compared with someone who thinks they’re better than others. I feel that humility is a very attractive because this shows that they don’t take themselves or life too seriously. I would rather have someone who knows what really matters in life and would weather life through rain or shine. The opposite would be a person who’s only there for the good times and takes the next train at the first whiff of hard times. A person who thinks they’re better than everyone else isn’t very fun to be around especially if I’m going to be married to them.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Physically Attractive to me Vs Not – I feel that physical attractiveness is a rather sticky subject to approach. I think I’ve given looks a much less emphasis as I grow older than when I was younger. I feel that the old adage remains true; beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I’ve found that I don’t need an incredibly physically beautiful woman if other more important qualities are lacking. I try to not be too judgmental about others looks but a certain degree of vanity still remains. So I’ve been able to come up with a compromise. I will most certainly want whoever I’m dating to be physically attractive at the very least to me. To put succinctly, I say that I’ll go for a girl as long as she’s cute which can vary very much. This leaves me with much room to work with without being too, too picky and vanity kicking over.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Intelligence & Depth Vs Shallowness – First off, I would like to say that I don’t really think that certain people are dumb or stupid. I think we’re all intelligent in our own way and we all don’t learn the same way. Some of us are street smart whereas others are more book smarts. When I’m talking about intelligent and smart, I’m not focused on IQ level or SAT’s or anything similar to those quantifiable. However, I’m looking for depth and the ability to talk about different subject matters. Another way of thinking about it is being able to think critically and communicate about it. The way I relate to it is there are certain times in a date where the conversation can only extend to the outer fringes but nowhere beyond. I feel like I want to be able to talk about many different subjects rather than be limited to a select few. I don’t expect anything too extravagant but the ability to hold a conversation and intellect to think for herself. Common sense would be another way of thinking about the quality.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Open Vs Close Minded – Having an open mind is attractive to me because it shows that a girl can think outside of comfort zone and is willing to learn and change. Being close minded shows a reluctance to accept new ideas or even listen to them and I feel that I’m very much a liberal thinker. I think that this trait shows more than just the overall appearance. I feel that there is healthy balance between believing in what you truly believe in but at the same time, be willing to listen to new ideas and admit mistakes when you’re wrong. In my mind, being able to think from another person’s perspective, empathy, is a great attribute and necessarily to relate to different types of people rather than just your own perspective.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Spiritual Vs Religious – Whether a person believes in a certain religion or shares my own really doesn’t matter much to me. That probably stems from the fact that I don’t really believe any kind of formal religion right now so I don’t put much emphasis on faith. Although religion may not be important to me, spirituality is. Spirituality is important to me because I feel that spirituality transcends any particular religion and despite whatever your particular religion or beliefs, you can still have a strong spiritual life within that religion. To sum it up, how a person really lives their spirituality is much more important than their particular beliefs.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Independence Vs Dependence – There has been a surge in hip hop and rap community to really emphasis an “independent” woman and I think that has influenced how I view attraction. I think the extreme of an independent woman is the gold digger. On the other side, there have been opinions on what independent really means and can this also have an extreme as well? I feel that an independent woman is more attractive because this trait also includes a variety of different other positive attributes as well. Unless your achievements are based on your own skills, abilities, and hard work, then you cannot successfully build self esteem. This is because you’ve done these things yourself and are your own. Opposed to a woman that may have all the material rewards, these exterior rewards don’t represent success but rather just a symbol. An independent woman knows she can take care of her own self without anyone else’s help whereas a dependent woman is just that. Independence is very liberating whereas unhealthy dependence can only deplete self esteem.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Insecurity Vs Self Esteem & Confidence – Insecurity is a huge turn off to me because a person without self esteem and confidence within themselves cannot really form lasting, healthy relationships. I am the first to admit that I may not always have super confidence in myself but I’ve always strived to improve both. I feel that insecurities and issues related to them must be handled on a personal level rather than trying to solve them within a relationship. Insecurity leads to a myriad of relationship problems and is ultimately very unattractive. The opposite is confidence in herself and being comfortable in her skin. I feel that women with confidence are infinitely more attractive because she’s sure of herself and exudes a different aura.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Sense of Humor Vs Not – Having a sense of humor is very important and very attractive trait because what is life without laughter? I feel that having a sense of humor can make the lows not seem so low while making life much more enjoyable. I cannot give a really good reason why having a sense of humor is really that attractive but there is something intoxicating and naturally alluring about people in general that have great senses of humor. Being able to laugh also shows that you’re not taking life too seriously. Opposed to a person who takes everything too seriously shows that they cannot really enjoy the smaller enjoyments in life and be happy with just that.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Hardworking Vs Lazy – This generally isn’t listed in the traits I would like to see in a girl. At the same time, as I mature and grow older then this trait becomes so much more important. I can say that anyone who has incredible god given talents, looks, smarts, or whatever doesn’t make them the ideal mate. I feel that you shouldn’t be proud of what you’ve been given at birth. Rather, you should be proud of what you’re able to achieve through your own hard work and achievements. If a person has a strong work ethic, I feel that’s a much better judge of a person’s character rather than looking at just the exterior.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Balance Vs Lack thereof – Being able to balance a person’s life is very important to me because this trait shows maturity as well as the ability to live a balanced and healthy life. Lack of balance is really unhealthy because this shows an inability to sort out what is really important in life from what is not important. Unless a person really has balance in their life, they will be constantly juggling different parts of their lives without a healthy resolution. I feel that having a healthy balance of family, work, friends, hobbies, spirituality, exercise, etc are all ingredients to a happy life as well as having a healthy and happy relationship as well.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Passion in Life Vs None – I feel that I’ve saved the best for last. Passion in life and what life has to offer are very attractive. When a person is passionate about their life, this translates into having a much more meaningful and happy life. Without passion in life then life just becomes dull and without the excitement. What is the point in living life unless there is something that you’re passionate about in life? Without passions life, you’re just happy with cruising through life rather than making the most of what life has to offer. Passion shows a willingness to live life to the fullest and making the most of the time that we have on earth. The quality of life is much more important the quantity of life that you’ve lived. It is better to live 30 years filled with passion, meaning, and happiness than 100 years without.

I feel that most of the attributes and traits I’ve listed are not completely out of touch with reality. I feel that most of these traits are achievable in the general population but at the same time, I think they’re collectively important in the long run. I’ve purposely left out more superficial traits that are too limiting and ultimately, not all that important. As, I’ve grown and matured, so have the ideal traits I would like to see in potentials for an ideal spouse. I’ve chosen qualities that I feel are within reach as well as traits I strive for in my own life. I may not be super duper attractive to all women but to some people, I am. At the same time, I’ve always strived and continue to strive to become better. I try to not be a hypocrite and expect more from other people than I would expect for myself. The qualities above are traits I hope to possess if not now then sometime in the near future which is to say that I’m not a perfect by any mean. In the same way, I don’t expect my future spouse to hold to perfection but exemplify many of the positive traits. I feel that I’ve met many people that have these traits and feel they are important to a healthy, long lasting relationship.

As you can see, I feel more attracted to a person’s character rather than other more superficial traits. Someone might hold the exterior characteristics such as looks, smarts, or whatever but unless you can look deep into their character, then I feel you really don’t know them that well. These characteristics are there whether rain or shine and don’t sway or change 10 or 50 years from now. Whereas looks may eventually fade or other characteristics, I feel I want to love them for who they are opposed to what she has today.

Future:

                So what does the future hold for me? Will I continue to be attracted to the same characteristics or will they evolve and change as well? Maybe when I do eventually settle down, I’ll look back at all the requirements I’ve had and see which ones were really important and which ones didn’t really matter all that much at all. If anything, I think that which traits you’re attracted to really tell a lot about you as a person. I will be reflecting much more about what the qualities I was looking for really reflected me on the inside and my own issues and insecurities. Much more reflections on attraction will be in the ‘follow up’ to this chapter. :)

Pull Handicap: Not that guy

Throughout my life, I never really learned much about dating neither through family nor friends. I just went through life not knowing much about dating, and for the most part, it didn’t affect me very much. It wasn’t until college that I started getting into dating and had my first experiences. The mentality I had back then was very different from mine today. Back then, I didn’t really try to think about dating much. As with most typical shy Asian guys, I just focused on my studies and other activities. Even though I may have thought about girls and dating a lot, most of this was just plain daydreaming of the what-if scenarios. What if I was able to get with the girl I had a crush on.

At an early age, there was definitely someone I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to become That Guy even if it meant I wouldn’t be dating. That Guy is my definition of the guy I didn’t want to become or the person I didn’t want others to see me as. He’s basically the guy that tries too hard to flirt with every girl that he sees and usually ended up being rejected. He’s usually trying hard to flirt with every girl out there at every chance that he got. To me, he represented a person that only had one thing on his mind and pursued it like girls were everything. In my mind, I never wanted to stoop to that level despite whatever the consequences that meant. I just knew I did not want to take that route of seeming desperation. I would consider that desperation the extreme of one end of my perception of dating strategies. In order to stay as far away from that extreme, I took the other extreme. I plainly acted like I didn’t really care about dating or girls on the outside; when on the inside, I really did want to but didn’t know how. Despite what I pretended to do on the outside, there are aspects of love that you cannot avoid despite how hard you try. Nevertheless, not becoming that guy became a priority to me. The more I saw of guys trying too hard or becoming too desperate, the more I got turned off from that strategy.

What ended up being my strategy was having the girl come to me rather than the other way around. As a general rule, the strategy worked to an extent but the majority of girls that were attracted to me, I didn’t really feel attracted to. I was also very picky about the types of girls I liked or didn’t like and if she didn’t fit the criteria then I wouldn’t go out with her or flatly tried to stay away. Although Pull Attraction did lead to some dates, I was way over my head though out my dating experiences. I always felt confused and didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Sure, they were great experiences but I didn’t feel very satisfied nor did I feel I really learned anything.

Results of Pull: Much Confusion

                I would say that the results from Pull Attraction were pretty good considering who I was at the time. Rightfully, it could have easily been the case that I never dated one girl because of my own shyness and handicap of unknowingly using Pull Attraction.

                Despite the fact that I was able to date much more than I rightfully deserved, I still wasn’t satisfied. The results seemed to stem more from chance than any other factor. I would go along with whatever road life took me and if I fell in love with a girl along the way then so be it. Even when I was dating, this didn’t mean that I totally understand how dating worked. I remember that most of the time I was just as confused as I was before I started dating. The dating world seemed like there was a secret book that everyone knew about except for me.

                For example, there were plenty of times when I would be really confused about my own feelings as well as what I was supposed to do next. Should I call her and talk things out or should I just keep silent and let the problems gloss over and hope they would go away? I didn’t understand any substantial part of dating and the whole process was mind-boggling and utterly confusing. At the same time, I never had anyone to really talk to about dating. When I did have a chance to talk to someone, it seemed like they knew the answers but couldn’t give me a sufficient why it was that way. To say the least, I tried to enjoy the dating that I did have but the path was not as easy for me.

Roots of Change

                Pui, a friend of mine, recently asked “What made you change?” We were discussing about the difference in our dating philosophies. I was sharing with him my experiences in dating and how it came about. At first the question caught me off guard because I didn’t have an immediate answer. Once I thought on the question more, I was able to find the answer deep within me.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->1)      <!--[endif]-->I wanted to change; I wanted to learn

There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted to change. I recently graduated from college, and I decided to move to another part of the country, California. At the same time, I just stepped out of a very difficult stage of my life, and I was ready to experience new things. I didn’t want to be the same ol’ Henry again. At the same time, I wanted to learn. For most of my life, I never understood dating and I had always felt that I was a pawn in game of love rather than an active participant. I felt more like a wide-eyed deer staring at growing lights in the middle of the road. The desire to change was there and I definitely had the opportunity to change and the motivation to back it up.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->2)      <!--[endif]-->Reading “How to get a date worth keeping”

Another major catalyst that made me change my whole perspective on dating was definitely the book “How to get a date worth keeping” by Henry Cloud. While reading the book, a lot of the ideas really clicked with me and changed my whole perspective on dating. I’ve read plenty of different dating books in my day ranging from the Pick-Up Artists like “Double Your Dating” by David DeAngelo, Dating for Dummies, and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. However, they never really clicked with me nor really changed how I viewed dating. “How to get a date worth keeping” was a totally different way of thinking and approaching dating which I found refreshing and focused more on the learning process and experience than the actual results. I felt that many of the ideas and philosophy in the book were very thought provoking as well as very true.

Pushing My Limits: Experimenting in California

                Stepping out of my comfort zone was definitely a hard experience but no doubt very rewarding. There is a saying in Full Metal Alchemist that goes “in order to gain, you must sacrifice something of equal value.” Simply put; no pain, no gain. As my personality goes, I consider myself an introvert and for the longest time, not very social at all. I could spend much of my time just sitting around reading a book and still enjoy myself. I would say that talking to an attractive girl that I didn’t know would be my kryptonite. I had to push myself to talk to girls I never would have talked to. In addition, I had to change my mentality about the so called types of girls that I felt attracted to and would go out with.

                The entire process of change was definitely not easy and it is called a comfort zone for a reason. So stepping out of that comfort zone would by definition, uncomfortable. I’m not the type of person to entirely jump into the deep end of the pool so I had to start small. This is where I used the “Point System” to really get the gears going. Instead of focusing on the actual risk of rejection and fears, I would concentrate on the reward instead. This helped me to talk to people I normally wouldn’t talk to and in turn, I was able to change little by little. I also became more open about my dating experiences with other people as well which for the longest time, I never really talked with anyone else.

                Another important aspect was I treated dating differently as well. There are cases when if I don’t feel initially attracted to a girl, I would never go out with her. With my changed philosophy, I felt very reluctant to do so because I felt that I would be wasting my own time and I would be letting her on. As the book “How to get a date worth keeping” says, you never know until you try. Going along with the books advice as well as my brother’s “I wouldn’t do it, but I think you should”, I jumped in and lo and behold, the experience didn’t kill me. The actual date was alright and confirmed what I believed all along. Little did I know that the date would actually be the catalyst to a long journey of great dating experiences.

                All in all, I did pursue girls more and I did try using Push Attraction more than I had in the past. I felt the results were great most of the time. I’m not going to lie and say that I got dates left and right which is blatantly a lie. I was rejected many more times than I would care to admit but at the same time, I felt that I grew so much from the experience. Part of dating is not just finding “the one” or whatever but actually learning more about myself and learning more about others. I felt that stepping out of my shell and comfort zone really changed me for the better. I was able to make mistakes and ultimately learn from them as well. If I didn’t step out of my comfort zone then I never would have even risked anything or learn anything.

As I’ve gone through the journey of dating, there have been several profound ideas that have stuck with me about the whole breaking up process. As I’ve mentioned before, I am a big fan of Greg Behrent’s “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken” despite the fact that the book is geared towards the female population. Several ideas and truths that have stuck ever since my first time reading the book that I will share and explore more thoroughly. All of the ideas have a core of common sense but as we all know, common sense isn’t always so common. These truths include:

1) What types of breakups are the worst to go through?

2) How much you put in a relationship determines how much it will hurt in the end.

3) “Why can’t we still be friends after the break up?”

Question: What types of breakups are the worst to go through?

There are typically 3 different types of breakups that will cause much heartache and agony to go through. Those 3 include relationships that 1) End suddenly and without warning 2) End through betrayal such as cheating and 3) Breakups that are drawn out and unclear.  The first are relationships that end suddenly and without warning. This ending is hard to deal with because you’re totally blindsided by what is happening. The relationship seems to be going fine until out of nowhere, the relationships ends. The difficulty of getting over this type of breakup is that you’ll never have all the answers about what had happened. You may be left wondering if you had done anything wrong or did it have to do with the other person. The difficulty of the situation is that you’ll probably never know what happened. That’s hard to accept and be able to move on from the relationship because you’re left in the dark. When you are unable to find the answers from without, you tend to look within yourself to find the answer, but the answer may never be found.

Next are relationships that end messily, become drawn out, and are very fuzzy. These types of breakups are extremely hard to get over because you never have a clear answer to anything. You’re continually in a state of limbo because one minute the signs may be pointing positively whereas another minute, things are going horribly. When the boundaries are unclear, you may be just pulled along with no real results in the end. These types of endings share a similar situation as those that end suddenly because you’ll probably never find a clear, easy solution to end the breakup once and for all. These types of endings are hard because you can never truly move on from the past relationship because there may be a small inkling of hope that you’re hanging onto. With “bad” breakups where you end up hating each other’s guts, at the very least, you know that you’ll never be with them ever again. Like I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, extremes of hot or cold are much better than being lukewarm. What that generally means is that you’d rather have a yes or no answer rather than a maybe. Lukewarm's and maybe’s don’t give you clear answers to where to go after the relationships but to remain stuck in the same place and never having the ability to move on.

Lastly are relationships that end in betrayal and deep hurt. Of the three types of breakups, these cause a lasting scar on the person being cheated on. Within a romantic relationship, no one ever wants to be the person cheated on because it causes so much pain and hurt to have your trust, loyalty, and beliefs in that person overturned on you. Of all the horrible things that you could do within a relationship, cheating would be one of the top major causes of hurt and ongoing relationship baggage. Betrayal and cheating causes much devastation because this was supposed to be a relationship of trust, caring, and love yet all of that is found to be false. There are no easy solutions to this type of ending and the scope of hurt caused by cheating cannot be succinctly covered here.

Question: How long does it take to get over a past relationship?

                The amount of time to get over a past relationship really varies for person to person and depending upon the situation. Some people say to measure how long the relationship was and that would be how long it would take to get over the relationship. They also say that finding another person that you’re interested in greatly reduces the time to get over the last person. However, that does not always work because sometimes the relationship may not last long yet the time it takes to get over the breakup seems incredibly long. Time is only one factor in how much a breakup will hurt and in effect, determine how long the process of getting over an ex will take. This brings us to the more complete answer to the question above.

Answer: How much you put into a relationship determines how much it will hurt in the end (this translates into how much time you’ll need)

This answer makes a lot of common sense because relationships are measured in more than just time. There are many ways of being vested in a relationship such as emotionally, time, energy, effort, love, and more. The more you invest into a relationship the more painful the end will be for you. If you have invested little to nothing into the relationship then more likely than not, the relationship does not mean much to you. When you’ve invested so much time, effort, emotions, love and everything that you have, then that makes losing the relationship seem more like losing a limb. When you’ve put so much of yourself into a relationship it becomes incredibly hard to leave the relationship and not feel emotionally vested in the relationship. There is a term to those who are familiar with poker called “pot committed”. Pot committed is basically a situation where you have so much money tied into the game that you essentially cannot back out or you lose your large sum bet. The same concept applies to relationships as well when you’ve become “pot committed” in a relationship and cannot leave the past behind. 

As stated before, the dynamic cannot really be measured in time because that is just one component.  There are several different ways of “investing” into a relationship. To name a few, these ways include:

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Time

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Energy/Effort

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Emotionally

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Financially

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Psychologically

<!--[if !supportLists]-->·         <!--[endif]-->Self Esteem/Self Worth

The truth of the statement is surprisingly clear. When you’ve never really put anything into a relationship then why should the end matter? The real question should be: what can you really do about the situation? The answer is not to put anything into a relationship so that you will never get hurt in the end. There are people out there who have this attitude towards dating and relationships. In order to not get hurt then they don’t want to put anything of themselves that would leave them vulnerable to being hurt. Usually, this person has been badly burned in the past and that past still continues to haunt them. This attitude stems from fear of the unknown and of being hurt again, such as a wounded animal seeking protection against the world. As we may all know, relationships cannot survive or thrive under such stifling conditions because you will not get anything out of a relationship unless you put something in.

On the opposite end are those who put all of themselves into a relationship. They devote so much time, energy, and effort into a relationship hoping the relationship will last. Contrarily, no matter how much you put into a relationship, this alone will not guarantee that the relationship will work out in the end. So, eventually the breakup comes around and they end up heartbroken and feel devastated afterwards. This is not the answer as well. As you may have guessed, the answer lies somewhere in between the two extremes. A quote from Nathaniel Brandon’s “6 Pillars of Self Esteem” is very relevant to the solution is having, “a present that does not disrespect the future nor a future that disregards the present.” He is stating that you do not want to have a dream of a future that sacrifices the present nor a present that will hurt the future. Applied in this situation, both of the above are losing situations because they either disrespect the present or the future. Taking the best of both worlds, we want a more complete and balanced answer. Therein lays the solution to the problem: balance. Being able to balance out how much you’re investing into a relationship will greatly reduce how much hurt you’ll go through if the relationship eventually ends. On the other side, you will be taking a calculated risk but not completely jumping into the deep end. You want to be able to see the relationship for what it is and act accordingly rather than blinding putting all of yourself into a relationship that has no guarantees.

Question: Can we still be friends after the break up?

Answer: To put it succinctly, No.

Before anyone has the chance to go on the offensive with, “well, I was still friends with my ex after we broke up so I think you’re totally wrong”, I’m going to share my thoughts on the matter.

                First of all, in an ideal world then we would all wish to still maintain a respectable relationship with all of our ex’s, at least most of the them. Despite our best intentions of trying to make a friendship work, we do not live in an idealistic world and there are realities that we have to face. This friendship usually is not easy especially when the breakup ended on bad terms or you totally hate the person. This friendship requires a special list of requirements in order for the friendship to actually work. These include:

<!--[if !supportLists]-->1.       <!--[endif]-->Both parties no longer have any romantic feelings for each other. When one or both still have feelings then the friendship will essentially be doomed to fail. The reason is that when one person still has feelings for the other, even the most ordinary actions may send the wrong signals. “Wow, he called to talk to me. Does that mean he still has feelings for me?” Romantic relationships and Platonic relationships are two completely different beasts. To think that one can easily translate between one and the other is a big mistake. Sometimes it may work, but most times this crossing between the lines won’t. When one person still has feelings for the other, then they cannot see their ex as just a friend; it’s just too hard until they can get over their ex completely.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->2.       <!--[endif]-->You have to look at the motivation for having the friendship because if you guys were destined to be friends, then why does friendship have to start right after the breakup? If the friendship was meant to be then why not give each other more room to think things through? If it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be, even in a friendship. Most of the time, the motivation is more selfish in nature because one side doesn’t want to sever the relationship completely so they can leave room for the chance of possibly getting back together.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->3.       <!--[endif]-->Consider the terms of the actual breakup and what the relationship meant to each person. If the relationship ended on bad terms, then what’s positive of still staying friends with the other person? If a relationship ended on bad terms, then a “friendship” is highly, highly not recommended. You can still be cordial and pleasant without trying to be anything more, just like a stranger you’ve just met. Why force the situation when there really isn’t much to gain?

Oftentimes, friendship can be used or manipulated so that both parties stay in touch with each other and therefore have a higher chance of getting back together. If the friendship is that important then surely a couple months to a year will not be detrimental to the platonic relationship. On the flip side, being friends creates much more awkward situations than it solves. If one party still remains friends then seeing each other will only make the pain worse rather than make things better. Most people have very good intentions in remaining friends after a breakup but the reality of the situation may not be the best. Oftentimes, the best solution is to cut ties off completely and leave things as they are rather than try and create a faux attempt at friendship that may not be in both people’s best interests.

Conclusion:

                In conclusion, these are some interesting questions regarding the breaking up process that may not have been covered previously. These are neither end all solutions to the problems of breaking up but rather to explore the many, many issues faced during the breakup process.